There are days like today where i feel as if all that makes me human is gone. The emotions are noticeably absent and with them missing, i feel this pinprick hole in my heart begin to grow. As if there were simply a hollow carved out of my chest, nothing matters as much as it should. Its vaguely reminiscent of forgetting to do something important but not being able to remember what it is. I can only say that it feels suspiciously like heartache. I am unable to figure out what it is im missing now that i might have had before...something recently that may have triggered this, but im at a loss. I knew love once and i felt it in full as it slid between my fingers and now im so much colder having known its warm embrace. Since that day this feeling has been growing, despite my best efforts and facades. Im just afraid of what will happen when i can no longer hold it all together...should be mildly amusing at the least.

But what do you do when life loses meaning and the only thing left to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other? Do you think we keep on keepin on because we dont have any reason not to? or because we dont know any better? I just need to know if i lost something dear to me or is it more something i thought i had and im just realizing it never existed. Either way, this hurts more than i could have expected. I just have the urgent need to leave everything i know behind and start life over again, see if it turns out for the best. Unfortunately i know better, leaving here wont cure the headaches, the insomnia, the depression...all i can hope for is a friendly face and a soft caress. I think maybe if i am truly useful to someone, not like i need to be needed, but if i am truly useful then maybe living for another would be much easier. When i had love, making her smile was better than any drunk, any high, any success. I guess i might just need someone else to help me put back the pieces of this broken life.


Here is something i wrote in 2006:
"I'm in love with the idea of being in love but im afraid that i would love for the sake of loving and not for the one i would love..."

Sweet dreams world, cause tomorrows another day, another day full of nightmares and gruesome endings, so bide your time and sleep life away...at least in dreams we never lose, we never crack or frey, we never falter....so i say to you, sweet dreams world....cause in reality its all we've got left.